HW 36- Triangle Partner Help

Esther-
I got that your main idea was that we are puppets and we allow the idea of cool to control the way we present ourselves. I would rephrase this, as, we are puppets of coolness allowing it to control our presentation of self. I'm not sure if that is the best way to word your thesis, but is it another possible idea for you to work with.

We allow what we perceive as cool to control the way we identify ourselves to then apply that to how we present our character. We try to give off the right signals so people will see us in the way we want to be seen. For example, in the James Dean movie, Rebel Without a Cause, the main character was presented with what was cool at the beginning. Being ironic, making jokes, and presenting masculinity was cool to him. He allowed this perception of cool to control the way he began to act at his school. He sends off signals of cool and masculine by smoking cigarettes, and competing with the other cool masculine character. He sent off these signals because he wanted people to see him as a cool guy.

When you say "We do this to fill this emptiness in ourselves. Some sort of hole is created from our lives and to fill this we strive to make ourselves feel much better about ourselves." It might be interesting to include where this emptiness comes from to begin with.

I like the connection you made to the Fefe Dobson song but I think it would make your arument stronger if you analyzed the lyrics a little more and connected that back to your thesis.

Finally, just conclude everything and summarize all your arguments and maybe include some of your own final thoughts, you suggested I do that in my previous essay and I think it worked out pretty well so I think you should try it out too.

This is a good rough draft!
-Sandy


Omar- I would rewrite your thesis as: Cool is an unstoppable addiction to personal connections.

People seem to be so caught up in aggrandizing themeselves they are deluded by the real reason they try to make themselves look a certain way. Most people say "I do it because I like it" or "I do it for me" when people ask why they do something to present themselves a certain way. In reality, people aggrandize their self to send off signals and clues to allow people to see their identity. For examples, girls may swing their hips while they walk so people will see their feminity and understand clearly that that person is a girl. Whereas a boy might walk more stifly to express masculinity so people understand that the boy is a boy. People are so addicted and identified with their presentation of cool, the are deluded by the reality of their performance.

You have lots of great arguments but I think you just need to include some evidence to back up those arguements.
you say, "We go to great lengths and put ourselves through extreme circumstances to connect with others. We are willing to pierce our skin and have tattoos drawn on our skin. We are willing to dye our hair, burn our hair, wear fake hair just to impress and connect with others. We even have surgery to change our appearance so that we can feel more accepted and connected to others."
you could use evidence from Fanning, Matt Fried, some of the internet sources Andy provided when we had to do the tattoo post, and from the Hair chapter in The Body Social.

I also think it would be helpful if you organized your arguments to easily include the evidence to the arguments.

This is a good start!
-Sandy